14 June 18 – Thursday
Few things in life are as predictable as addicts.
The cycle looks something like this:
- Do the Thing
- Enjoy the Thing
- Regret the Thing
- Swear off the Thing
- Plan to avoid the Thing
- Obsess over the Thing
It doesn’t really matter what “the Thing” is, but more so that it does exist. We all have one. For some people, it takes the form of substances such as alcohol, drugs (illicit or prescription), tobacco, stimulants such as cocaine or meth, or other mind-altering natural or man-made concoctions. In my little corner of the world, opiates are a HUGE issue. Luckily, this is not my “thing” and never has been. Although, I have dabbled in a few chemicals over the years, it’s been nearly two decades since my “experimental” phase, and the only thing that stuck was tobacco. I quit on November 26, 2017, for hopefully the last time.
Occasionally, we know someone who has an impulse “thing” to the tune of stealing, fighting, outbursts of aggression, setting fires, or gambling. I personally don’t yet understand how these things are addictions, but I am definitely not a therapist, so I don’t really have a right to qualify anything as being, or not being, a true addiction. I feel like people with anger issues are usually battling different issues. Having witnessed true, gut-wrenching, family-destroying addiction, I can’t personally feel comfortable calling these behaviors addiction, but more so feel inclined to label them as emotionally triggered behaviors. However, I can only comment fairly based on my own experiences with other people’s rage personalities and my own issues with fear/anger/abandonment issues. Luckily, therapy is usually able to sort out the triggers fairly quickly, if you have a competent and empathetic ear on the other side of the table.
Sometimes, it is a behavior that turns addictive, such as relationship drama, sexual fantasy/pornography, technology usage, exercise beyond normal human body maintenance, shopping, spiritual grandiosity, or my favorite personal daemon – food & related rituals.
Addicts are full of plans and excuses. Choices turn into behaviors, which turn into a lifestyle.
This spring has been awakening for me. I have been coming to grips with my shortcomings, while trying to accept and nurture my gifts. One of those daemon/gifts is my addictive personality and the behaviors that accompany it. One of my biggest shortcomings is the ability to create HUGE plans, and then not only share those plans without abandon, but fail to comply without shame. This inevitably leads to realizing I should feel guilty about not accomplishing what I claimed I would, and eventual shame in the form of disappearing. My therapist calls it ADHD that perpetuates anxiety.
I feel badly for all the times I said I was “getting back on the wagon” and didn’t even make it a day. I won’t again promise to be here any more regularly than I have been.
I can tell you that there are some things in the pipe. I am currently recovering and rehabbing from a fall in the stairs at work at the end of the semester. I’ve been out of work, unable to work out, and depressed – aka diet has been G-O-N-E. I’m working very hard to get myself back up to a point where I can consistently walk over 6k steps per day, and complete my physical therapy daily. Also, I am supposed to meet with my bariatric surgeon in July to talk about a VSG to RNY revision. I know my fiancé won’t really be happy about that. He gets so nervous anytime anything medical comes up with me. The last time I had surgery, he developed ulcers. I wish I was joking about that. #notJK Needless to say perhaps, but he currently doesn’t know about that meeting yet.
Additionally, I am working on my first novel. I have written dozens of non-fiction works, several courses worth of analytical essays on various subjects, volumes of philosophical dialectic research essays, papers and articles, and two collections of poetry, but I have not written any fiction since elementary school. This is proving to be completely out of my comfort zone, which is why I must complete it.