New Moon Intentions

August 17, 2017 – Thursday

The New Moon was ten days ago, but life has kicked back into nearly-full gear again which has made updating a challenge. Anything that is not directly demanding my attention usually ends up pushed aside in August. This is a pattern I am aware of, and intend to break by the end of next summer’s sabbatical. That being said, I did want to update even if I am running a tad behind.

As I usually do with the New Moon, I set some intentions for myself. This cycle the goals are as follows:

  • Lose 10 pounds
  • Get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly
  • Exercise 4 times per week

Since embarking on my “new” diet phase this summer, I have not actually lost any weight on the scale. It is so very frustrating – but I know something is working, because my favorite jeans that did not fit me at the beginning of summer (read: could NOT button) are currently clinging to my abundant thighs as I type this, comfortably buttoned.

I honestly cannot really tell you what I did to deserve this body change. Officially, I have lost about 3 pounds this summer, but none since I posted the pictures a few posts back. And frankly, when you’re closer to 300 pounds than 200, 3 pounds are not even worth mentioning.


  • Continue daily affirmations
  • Wear FitBit to track daily goals (15,000 steps)
  • Get SLEEP
  • Drink 96 – 128 oz water every day
  • Only eat at the 3 main mealtimes
    • No snacking
    • No grazing
    • Listen to my guts
  • Regular exercise
  • Diet
    • Low-fat (<30g daily)
    • Low-calorie (~1000 daily)

I am better at this every day. I will reach my goal, no matter how long it takes.

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Welcome to August

August 3, 2017 – Thursday

Am I the only one who feels like July popped it’s head in the door for a minute and left again?

News of the day is that I am a diet-failer. I was doing really well last week and then mother nature took over and after a few dizzy spells, I gave in – not all at once, but the four day process to lose my grip also messed up my previously earned scale victories. So, I’m here again with no losses to report, but also no gains. Just…flat.

Today I read a story about a woman who lost 215 pounds in about a year and a half. Oddly enough, that’s almost exactly my total amount to lose. I am currently down 88 pounds from my highest weight, regardless of any surgical fluctuations. In fact, when taking into account my surgery start weight, I have only lost 32 pounds because of it.

Today starts the chapter called “Kiki loses 114 pounds in a year” because I am D-O-N-E with any and all excuses.

I *WILL* figure out what works.

I *WILL* be 200 pounds or less by New Year’s Eve 2017.

But, how…?


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Time to Get Wild

July 28, 2017 – Friday

I’m fat.

Well, duh… that’s why we’re here, right?

No, really…I gained back 54 pounds of surgery-lost weight, since October 2014. Thirty of those pounds jumped on the good ship in the last year. I’m currently +50 pounds.

Now, we battle. 

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Life Cleanse, 2.017

July 27, 2017 – Thursday

I am starting to feel “normal” again, for the first time in about 4 years.

There are some things that no one ever tells you about when you have this surgery: your life will undoubtedly be thrown into chaos. Granted, for everyone the chaos looks different.

People will tell you about the cravings, the head hunger, the weird psychological things that pop up. They will tell you how to eat, how to morph your lifestyle around food, and all will have their go-to plan for exercise. You’ll hear about how family situations may or may not be awkward, how dates no longer can revolve around food, and that absolutely everyone will comment on your changing physique.

But absolutely no one told me my life would never be the same, in any way, shape or form.

For me, it took a four-year relationship and threw it in a blender and poured out a mushy gruel about six months later. About a year post-op, we separated. He moved out. I rebelled. My kids got lazy. He focused on his new life. I self-sabotaged with working too much. My kids got old. He reached out. I regained fifty pounds. My kids got fat. He disappeared. I disappeared. My kids silently begged for normalcy.

Then, something amazing happened.

The Universe and God conspired against us all, and we found our way back.

Turns out, while we each thought the other had moved on, we both had been working on ourselves while praying for the other. And when the time was right, we were once again put in front of each other with fresh eyes and mended hearts. So here we are. Year Eight.

Please don’t let this surgery destroy you.

It consumed me. I went into it with an undisclosed eating disorder. I emerged with a different eating disorder. If you have a problem, know that you can silence those demons. There is help. Reach out. Life is waiting.

fuckin lovebirds


Posted in body talk, diet/food, Eating Disorder, Family, Health, illness, Post-op, pre-op, surgery | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sound the Alarm

July 25, 2017 – Tuesday

So much life stuff…

I guess I’ll start where I last left off. Since March, I sold a restaurant, took a sabbatical from work, and moved to a new town up the lake. I also got accepted into a new university, *finally* straightened out my student loan mess, started another business, and began coursework for copywriting.

Oh, and I got engaged!

I also managed to only lose 0.5 pounds, probably due to nothing I can take credit for changing.

And so, the new life begins!

I’ve decided that I need to hold myself more accountable, and I’m going to post here to make that happen. Today, I started back on shakes. I’m going to do shakes plus one vegetarian meal daily. I have no idea how long I’m going to do this for, yet. I just know that I go back to my j-o-b in two weeks and I’m afraid my uniforms won’t fit.

More to come!


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Latest Obsession


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The Insanity of January

January 21, 2017 – Saturday

I think it’s safe to say that this year has been – oh, what’s the word?


Before I find myself caught up in a debate with myself over politics, let me share the last/first two weeks of my new lifestyle plan!

  • I’ve lost 4.2 pounds on the scale.
  • I have (mostly) given up:
    • Coffee
    • Candy/Pastries/Sweets
    • Smoking
    • Alcohol
    • Dairy
    • Wheat
  • I went back to the gym, and have been lifting again.
  • I panicked a little (a lot), but changed my macros goals from high protein/low carb/high fat, to moderate protein/moderate carb/low fat.

My body is responding rather quickly to the weight training this time around. I’m not sure what the difference is, but it’s working. I use a program on called TransforMEd. If you’re over there, my name is Mwrarr. I went back to Planet Fitness, and I’ve found that my club doesn’t really have too many meatheads. It could be the town, or maybe PF just gets a bad rap. I’m not sure…

I’m also pretty sure that my diet change has a lot to do with this body-overhaul. I use My Fitness Pal (add me!) and since before my pre-surgery days (2011?!) I have had my macros set at 40-50% protein, 30-40% fat, 10-20% carbs. Now, keep in mind that I have not lost any weight in all that time that wasn’t during the 5 months sandwiching my surgery. I switched to 40/30/30 (protein/fat/carb) about a week ago. I haven’t lost any scale weight since then, but my tight jeans are looser than they were. I’m very closely monitoring this, as I don’t want to end up completely blindsided. For now, faith in the program and process….

To be continued tomorrow. This day has completely drained me. 🙂


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