The Cycle

14 June 18 – Thursday

Few things in life are as predictable as addicts.

The cycle looks something like this:

  1. Do the Thing
  2. Enjoy the Thing
  3. Regret the Thing
  4. Swear off the Thing
  5. Plan to avoid the Thing
  6. Obsess over the Thing

It doesn’t really matter what “the Thing” is, but more so that it does exist. We all have one. For some people, it takes the form of substances such as alcohol, drugs (illicit or prescription), tobacco, stimulants such as cocaine or meth, or other mind-altering natural or man-made concoctions. In my little corner of the world, opiates are a HUGE issue. Luckily, this is not my “thing” and never has been. Although, I have dabbled in a few chemicals over the years, it’s been nearly two decades since my “experimental” phase, and the only thing that stuck was tobacco. I quit on November 26, 2017, for hopefully the last time.

Occasionally, we know someone who has an impulse “thing” to the tune of stealing, fighting, outbursts of aggression, setting fires, or gambling. I personally don’t yet understand how these things are addictions, but I am definitely not a therapist, so I don’t really have a right to qualify anything as being, or not being, a true addiction. I feel like people with anger issues are usually battling different issues. Having witnessed true, gut-wrenching, family-destroying addiction, I can’t personally feel comfortable calling these behaviors addiction, but more so feel inclined to label them as emotionally triggered behaviors. However, I can only comment fairly based on my own experiences with other people’s rage personalities and my own issues with fear/anger/abandonment issues. Luckily, therapy is usually able to sort out the triggers fairly quickly, if you have a competent and empathetic ear on the other side of the table.

Sometimes, it is a behavior that turns addictive, such as relationship drama, sexual fantasy/pornography, technology usage, exercise beyond normal human body maintenance, shopping, spiritual grandiosity, or my favorite personal daemon – food & related rituals.

Addicts are full of plans and excuses. Choices turn into behaviors, which turn into a lifestyle.

This spring has been awakening for me. I have been coming to grips with my shortcomings, while trying to accept and nurture my gifts. One of those daemon/gifts is my addictive personality and the behaviors that accompany it. One of my biggest shortcomings is the ability to create HUGE plans, and then not only share those plans without abandon, but fail to comply without shame. This inevitably leads to realizing I should feel guilty about not accomplishing what I claimed I would, and eventual shame in the form of disappearing. My therapist calls it ADHD that perpetuates anxiety.

I feel badly for all the times I said I was “getting back on the wagon” and didn’t even make it a day. I won’t again promise to be here any more regularly than I have been.

But…

I can tell you that there are some things in the pipe. I am currently recovering and rehabbing from a fall in the stairs at work at the end of the semester. I’ve been out of work, unable to work out, and depressed – aka diet has been G-O-N-E. I’m working very hard to get myself back up to a point where I can consistently walk over 6k steps per day, and complete my physical therapy daily. Also, I am supposed to meet with my bariatric surgeon in July to talk about a VSG to RNY revision. I know my fiancé won’t really be happy about that. He gets so nervous anytime anything medical comes up with me. The last time I had surgery, he developed ulcers. I wish I was joking about that. #notJK Needless to say perhaps, but he currently doesn’t know about that meeting yet.

Additionally, I am working on my first novel. I have written dozens of non-fiction works, several courses worth of analytical essays on various subjects, volumes of philosophical dialectic research essays, papers and articles, and two collections of poetry, but I have not written any fiction since elementary school. This is proving to be completely out of my comfort zone, which is why I must complete it.

I will be around. That’s the only promise I will make. If you’d like to follow my other projects, look me up on instagram, twitter or facebook. I’m also on goodreads, nanowrimo and camp nanowrimo.

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And again…

May 27, 2018 – Sunday

I’m a hot mess when it comes to weight loss. I’m feeling really down on myself and I’m thoroughly disappointed with my surgical results and my lack of ability to comply &/or lose weight. I really don’t want to let myself believe that a bypass conversion is a real option, but I’m so fed up. I feel like I might not have regained all this weight if I had done the RNY in the beginning.

Guys, there is so much going on right now. My life is shifting so quickly, and not in any productive (or negative) ways. It’s just the type of change that exists to annoy you without reason. Mosquito change.

RAWRRRRRR!! ENOUGH!!! Fine. I give up. I surrender to the gods of diet & keto, to take this wretched sugar addiction and fat body away! I’m not promising more activity, but I *am* planning to blog/vlog at least 2x/week and be transparent with y’all — and MYSELF.

*I refuse to be a fat bride.

*I refuse to become a recluse because of bad joints.

*I refuse to let my crumbling vertebrae win!

*I AM HERE*

Now…where’s my coffee? :]

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Week 5

April 18, 2018 – Wednesday

If you remember my last post, you saw me say that I wanted to try to experiment with the weeklies, etc. After a disappointing Saturday (unofficial) scale check in where I found myself 3+ pounds up from Wednesday, I sulked and gave in. And… I’m happy to report that I did indeed do that experiment, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment. However, it was a disappointing result.

WeighInWed

While I am very happy (ecstatic?!) that I did not gain an official 3.5 lbs, I was at +1.2 lbs this week. I’m not convinced that it’s a fault of the program, or even the experiment. I think it has to do with PMS bloat, exhaustion, stress and lack of clean fluids. Add in the inordinate amounts of chocolate that I consumed (within points!) and I think it was just a recipe for disaster.

I also think that weighing-in on Saturday threw me off. I was exceedingly bummed to see a 3-lb gain, even though I *knew* it was hormonal bloat. The mind is such a bastard opponent.

pity-party

Today ended up not being a normal weigh-in day food-wise. Usually I allow myself a bit of leniency on WI day but I was feeling pretty annoyed at myself all day. I honestly wish I didn’t have to weigh in at 5:00 a.m. because even though we say we’ll ignore it, it still has too much power over me. I ate about 2 SP over my limit, which is still within Blue Dot range, so I guess I might as well try to get back on that track.

Lesson, learned.

images

I’m sure next week will be just fine.

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Freaky Friday

April 13, 2018 – Friday

It wouldn’t be Friday the 13th without a glitch in the matrix, would it?!

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But 1st, Weigh-in! (Yes, I realize it’s Friday, not Wednesday, but…school fog got me)

WeighInWed

I. LOST. A. FULL. POUND!

Total Weight loss on WW: 6.4 lb

Stats: 275/268.6/210

I tried to get all blue dots, and so far this month, I’ve done just that. I’m wondering if the low loss of only a pound is due to that. However, I’m not convinced any of this weight loss is real anyway. I can (and have, consistently) lose and gain up to 10 pounds in a week. I lost the most weight in week 1 and I ate all my dailies, weeklies and some of my fit points. Maybe I’ll experiment this week and see what happens.

Now – as promised – my Friday the 13th insanity:

It was actually a decent day without any glitches. On a normal day, about three dozen minor potentially disrupting irritations happen during the course of a work day. This happens in a dynamic environment. You learn how to sway and duck. I was clipping things off my to-do list at breakneck speed (thank you concerta!) and with stunning efficiency, when I decided to go to lunch at a unit around the corner so that I could meet my boss and chat a few minutes about some issues.

As I reached into my bag to grab my locker keys, I realized a gut-wrenching fact. I had taken my locker key off it’s lanyard and placed it on my car keys, so that in case I was without my work keys (a copy set) I would still be able to get to my uniforms. Sounds reasonable, right? Yeah. Great plan!

Except… I always put my car keys in my coat pocket. My coat was in my locker.

lRa7O4H

So, I walk over to the unit where my boss is waiting, just to have to tell her I now need my lock cut off my locker – instead of the awesome updates I had planned to share. Laughs were had. Maintenance was called. I went back across the street to finish my lunch break at my desk.

I started getting a little panicky by 1:00. It’s a Friday, after all, and I *really* don’t want to end up stuck at work without a ride, unable to get my normal clothes from my locker, and even without a jacket to wear in the blustering cold, just because the maintenance guys (probably) leave early on Fridays. To combat the nerves, I started cleaning out my bag of all the errant receipts, papers and random bits, when suddenly I brush my fingers across…

…yep.

My keys.

I quickly emailed the maintenance manager and tell him how exceedingly embarrassed I am, but that I actually found my keys and they don’t need to send anyone over. Just as I hit send, one of my student employees says, “Uhm…someone is here… for YOU! (giggle)”

I turn to see what can only be described as every romance novel antagonist, rolled into one very real human male, rugged good looks and gigantic iron tool draped over a shoulder, included! I turned so obviously red with embarrassment that I could feel the heat searing off my own face. The absurdity of the entire scene had me internally screaming in tear-streamed hysterics, while externally trying not to stutter, lest this country boy think he got my goose somehow. We all exchanged pleasantries, and he made sure to give me his (work) number for “the next time you burst a pipe or lose some keys.”

IMG_0161

Lord help me. This is my life.

;]

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April, Indeed!

April 8, 2018 – Sunday

I am writing this to you in complete shock that we are into the second week of April already!

shock

Also, I did a video last weekend. Apparently, I forgot to post it here. Please accept my apologies for that. I’ll post it below.

So far on Weight Watchers, I have lost 5.2 pounds. It was a little weird to transition from a keto diet to going back to having skim milk (or even soy!) in my coffee, I can’t lie. But, I am getting used to it, and I do think that *maybe* my gut looks a little deflated, for lack of a better visual. :}

My son had started the week after I did, and while I don’t actually think he’s following it anymore, I do feel like it has made him more aware of making conscious food decisions. Realistically, he’s a fairly sheltered barely 18-year old with spectrum disorder and ADD. The fact that I can get him to switch to diet soda is a major victory, so I’ll count him asking for chicken breast & asparagus for dinner as a solid win.

6OToh

In my own life, things are doing what they normally do with nothing major to report….

ADHD-720x480

Oh! Except that I finally was given a doctor who is willing to treat my ADHD with meds and alternative therapies, in addition to actually wanting to work with my therapist. So, basically, this week I have been ridiculously aware of all the things I have been stuffing under the rug.

I started planning a new book, and while I haven’t spent much time in the last three or four days actually *writing* said book, I do have a complete map of how it will deliver itself to any willing readers. It is a memoir about family, grief and finding grace.

rsz_1cover_-_grace_indeed_-_jpg

The bigger issue that I’ve been tackling is what to do about school. I spent six full weeks in full-on fainting goat mode due to my anxiety over school.

Fainting Goat GIF-downsized

My therapist and my PCP both said this is particularly common in adult ADHD, and that I will most likely have to re-train myself to stop procrastinating now that I have meds to help me if I need them. I’m on day seven of week twelve (of fifteen), and I have done about 10% of the the expected classes this term, thanks to my mental issues. I think I may be able to finish out and at least get Ds (passing), which will preserve my financial aid – and in turn, allow me to finish my degree. However, it will take not only an exceeding amount of energy on my part, but the understanding of my instructors to allow the late work. I am writing this blog instead of emails to them – and this fully demonstrates the crux of my issues.

Ugh. Speaking of… I’d better get back to those two papers that are due today. Maybe they’ll go easy on me if I actually turn something in on time this semester.

Until the next!

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WW week 1

March 25, 2018 – Sunday

Technically, my WI (weigh-in) is Wednesday, but I don’t usually have time to blog during the week. I expect to do updates every weekend, so hopefully if you find anything interesting here, you stick around! :]

This week, I lost 4 pounds. I was *SHOCKED* to say the least.

WW wk1 WI sheet

I’m getting used to the plan again, and it reminds me of the old plan that I first tried with WW back in 2003. I had a lot of success on that plan, so I am holding high hopes. I really don’t want to get my VSG revised, but I will if I have to.

You see…lately, I haven’t been feeling all that great.

My right foot is acting up again. I thought it was plantar fasciitis acting up, but I tried the night splint and exercises and it’s not getting better. Suddenly, the pain changed and now I’m wondering if I refractured it. I can no longer ignore it, so I’m going to call the podiatrist on Monday and see about getting in.

This is annoying, and it prevents me from exercising, but it’s ok. I still get my 10k-12k steps per day just by working.

The more concerning issue is this shortness of breath and general malaise that seems to have taken over my body and soul. Obviously, with the bum foot, I have not been as active as normal. It’s also been a wretched, long winter and my soul is tired. But I am surviving. I also quit smoking in November! Tomorrow will be 4 full months without a cigarette!

Screenshot_20180325-103506

So WHY am I winded walking a flight of stairs?! Why is my resting BP so high? Is it *merely* because I gained 30# over the last 2 years?

I need to lose. I need to figure out if this is a real health issue or just a fat issue. Either way, I’m done. I finally reached STEP ZERO.

I will do whatever it takes.

I’m not ready to die. I haven’t even seen Africa, yet.

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Welcome (back) to WW

March 18, 2018 – Sunday

I failed. The Big Booty Reboot was a stunning failure, and I am – or should be – shamed. I lost 11# and regained 10 of it.

Enter: Weight Watchers.

Now, on a spiritual root level, I feel like one who has endured weight loss surgery should not have to resort to *weight watchers* but alas, I am doomed.

It seems to be working for my BFF, so he guilted me into joining. On Pi Day, I bit the bullet. I was 275 Lbs. This is ridiculous and cannot continue. I am going to give this 6 solid months and if it doesn’t work, I will let my bariatric surgeon revise my sleeve into a RNY pouch. For the record, I’m *really* pulling for myself & WW.

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