Latest Obsession


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The Insanity of January

January 21, 2017 – Saturday

I think it’s safe to say that this year has been – oh, what’s the word?


Before I find myself caught up in a debate with myself over politics, let me share the last/first two weeks of my new lifestyle plan!

  • I’ve lost 4.2 pounds on the scale.
  • I have (mostly) given up:
    • Coffee
    • Candy/Pastries/Sweets
    • Smoking
    • Alcohol
    • Dairy
    • Wheat
  • I went back to the gym, and have been lifting again.
  • I panicked a little (a lot), but changed my macros goals from high protein/low carb/high fat, to moderate protein/moderate carb/low fat.

My body is responding rather quickly to the weight training this time around. I’m not sure what the difference is, but it’s working. I use a program on called TransforMEd. If you’re over there, my name is Mwrarr. I went back to Planet Fitness, and I’ve found that my club doesn’t really have too many meatheads. It could be the town, or maybe PF just gets a bad rap. I’m not sure…

I’m also pretty sure that my diet change has a lot to do with this body-overhaul. I use My Fitness Pal (add me!) and since before my pre-surgery days (2011?!) I have had my macros set at 40-50% protein, 30-40% fat, 10-20% carbs. Now, keep in mind that I have not lost any weight in all that time that wasn’t during the 5 months sandwiching my surgery. I switched to 40/30/30 (protein/fat/carb) about a week ago. I haven’t lost any scale weight since then, but my tight jeans are looser than they were. I’m very closely monitoring this, as I don’t want to end up completely blindsided. For now, faith in the program and process….

To be continued tomorrow. This day has completely drained me. 🙂


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The Return to Regular

January 7, 2017 – Saturday

Today is the day. I’m going back to the gym after nearly a year “off” after my surgery. I’ve been trying to watch my diet but it’s harder when I’m not working out. That being said… We’re off. I’ll update later.

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January 1, 2017 – Sunday



Initial Goal: re-lose this bounceback weight; GW 209, by April 1
2nd Goal: Onederland; GW 199, by May 1

3rd Goal: Final Goal Weight; 147, by December 31


A. Finish updating “All the Happy Days” website by February 1.

B. Finish the “1000 Happy Days” draft (manuscript) by June 1.

C. Finish the 1st draft of my Nanowrimo by June 1.

D. Find a publisher. 

I have my work cut out for me. 

Posted in Challenges, contemplation, diet/food, Goals, Health, Post-op, Recovery, Stage 4 Diet | Leave a comment

2016, a recap.

December 31, 2016 – Saturday

Here we are. We made it. I know 2016 was rough for many of us, but if you’re reading this you have already been gifted a fresh page. I pretty much neglected this blog in the last year. It was such a transitional 12 months for me, that started in late 2015 and finally took a positive turn in late 2016. I hesitate to say it was a “bad” year, but it definitely was a growing year. I plan to take all the lessons of 2016 and apply them to future scenarios.

In October 2015, my relationship had started to show signs of fatigue and due to that and some financial questioning, I made the decision to move back to my hometown, 45 miles from my job. In December 2015, two weeks before Christmas, the kids and I moved. Christmas and New Years’ was a sad, stressful, uneventful time. We did the best we could, but it was not very festive overall.

I had a major reconstructive surgery on my jaw and face in January. I ended my six-year relationship in February. March brought major dynamic changes, including returning to work after surgery, and being forced to find a new social circle. In April, I tried branching out and dating, and had even found someone I liked hanging out with. By the end of May, I decided I was more worried about fixing my financial situation that was directly caused by missing two months of work due to surgery, and decided to focus on work, my body and my increasingly distressed family. In June, I took on a Sous Chef position at a small music venue in the same town as my other job, and my eldest son turned 18.

July brought the completely unexpected resurfacing of my ex, my sister’s wedding and a long-anticipated and painfully welcomed move back to the town we had previously called home. At this point, I was at my lowest weight in two years, but miserable, exhausted, and starving on many different levels.

August, and the return of the university students, meant heavier work loads at my main job, higher stress levels, and the emergence of what would later be acknowledged as one of the deepest chasms of depression that I have ever lived through.

September was a lot of talking with my ex, back and forth discussions about what was and could or couldn’t be, trying to keep my head above water at work, and the near-loss of my supplementary job due to a new kitchen owner. My existential fatigue was at an all-time high, no end in sight, and very little hope for a change.

In October, against all sane actions, I took over a restaurant in a mid-sized music venue in town, the sister venue of the one I had been working in. I was listening to live music every night, cooking food I love for people of varying levels of fame, and feeling so deeply separated from my psyche at times that I wasn’t completely sure I wasn’t an android.

By November, my ex and I were having more regular and serious discussions about life without each other, and started traveling together. The restaurant was picking up steam, and regaining previously lost customers. I began treatment for my depression, anxiety and insomnia, and began seeing a counselor to deal with those issues, along with the eating disorder that has domineered my life for the better part of two decades. Something about Sam’s presence seemed to calm my anxiety and give me a bit of an anchor, or at least a setting place against which to measure the length of my own chains. Within two weeks of being on medication, I lost the will to just lay in bed all day. My mental fatigue lifted rather quickly, as well. I made the decision to give up my position for the Summer 2017, and let someone – anyone – else deal with that place for those two months. It’s a gamble, but a necessity.

December found us deeply in the throws of a secret partnership that was becoming harder to conceal. The restaurant began to afford me great privileges emotionally, and a bit of freedom. By the end of December, the kids and most family members knew that we were at least being friendly – if they hadn’t already suspected more. The restaurant was very slow for the month, due to not being open much, and not having as many shows, but the positive publicity continued to grow. Every day is a learning experience there. I also decided I want to become more classically trained, and applied for a promotion position at the university. It’s a long shot, but my chef there offered to help with some training and I applied, in spite of myself.

And here it is, New Year’s Eve – and the year that nearly broke me is about to get bent.

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Beltane ’16

May 1, 2016 – Sunday


This is significant in my journey today. I will expand later, I promise.

Posted in body talk, Challenges, contemplation, diet/food, Eating Disorder, Health, Post-op, Stage 4 Diet, surgery, Surgiversary | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Swirl

December 20, 2015 – Sunday

It’s Sunday. I’m sitting here afraid to get on the scale. Again. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I constantly recommitting on Sunday, but find myself sitting on the couch eating crap Saturday night? Last night, it literally was cannoli filling, and I was spooning it into my face on sugar-dusted triangles of cannoli shell. I swear to all that is holy, I WILL find my way again. I am 35# heavier than my lowest surgery/adult weight. I want to be 10# lower than THAT number by my bday in May. I *know* I can do this….so why don’t I?

**I’ll expand more at a later time; this has been a rough week.

Posted in contemplation, diet/food, Eating Disorder, Goals, Post-op, Stage 1 Diet, Stage 2 Diet, Stage 3 Diet, Stage 4 Diet | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment