The Swirl

December 20, 2015 – Sunday

It’s Sunday. I’m sitting here afraid to get on the scale. Again. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I constantly recommitting on Sunday, but find myself sitting on the couch eating crap Saturday night? Last night, it literally was cannoli filling, and I was spooning it into my face on sugar-dusted triangles of cannoli shell. I swear to all that is holy, I WILL find my way again. I am 35# heavier than my lowest surgery/adult weight. I want to be 10# lower than THAT number by my bday in May. I *know* I can do this….so why don’t I?

**I’ll expand more at a later time; this has been a rough week.

Day 7

August 7, 2015 – Friday

I was doing so well! I wish I had been better at daily writing, because each day of this change in diet is so very different. I could have told you how great it was to not be beaten down by cravings. I would’ve told you how absolutely *freeing* it was to be able to work with and around the barrels of baked goods that my job calls for, and find the smell nauseating. I wanted to shout about how completely empowering it was to work 12-hour days, while at the beginning of a total 180° food-lifestyle change, during a chaotic regime change at work that includes me gaining a boatload of responsibility, and finding out that not only can I emphatically say, “No, Thank you,” to a plate of leftover, moist, spicy pumpkin bread, but that I enjoy clearing plates by sweeping their contents into the refuse can, instead of shoveling it all into my gullet!

Who knew?!

But today…. Today, I have faltered.

 

We had a “taste testing” at work for new incoming products. It started with a 6:30 a.m. “just a bite of one square of each flavor” and ended with a whole bar by the end of the day.

I’m not happy with myself at all. AND I’m paying for it dearly, or at least my poor tummy is. NO MORE. I have been playing sort of loose (but not exactly fast) with the rules, and have been feeling great. Tonight is a totally different story. I will not make this mistake again.

Tomorrow morning, it is 1000% back ON PLAN.

I have finally found my way, and I will not lose it again.

Rebirthday

December 26th, 2014 – Friday

I know I’ve said this 100x before, today I mean it.

December 26, 2014 – this is the day I chose weeks ago, to be my rebirthday. I have been playing fast & loose for a while, close to a year. & since Halloween, I have straight up not given one solitary hoot about sticking to the plan or even trying to act like I know what the plan is! For my sins, I am UP 3″ in my measurements (combined), & UP 17#.

Today would’ve been my 2-year sleeviversary, had the insurance not denied me the 1st time around. I chose today as the day I would quit smoking & go 1000% back on plan.

I quit smoking 8 days ago. Not even one true craving.

Today, cold turkey, screeching brakes into the wall, no more sugar! No more bread, pasta, or cream soups! No more off-plan comfort foods! Back OP NOW.

I’m also gonna find a therapist.

Thanks for giving me a place to release all this. Everyone in my real world life sees one put-together version of me, but they don’t have a clue. It’s all a cover.

Sugar Addiction?

November 12, 2014 – Wednesday

I have not been feeling very hot lately. And by “hot”, I mean “healthy.” I’m always convinced that I’m hotshit, until I look in a mirror. I kid, I kid…. Sorta. This feeling has been lingering for about two weeks already. I am sluggish, bloated (by about 6 lbs from my normal weight), swollen everywhere, and have had brain fog and a borderline migraine for about 3-4 days, at this point. I have tried flushing my system with water, fiber and tylenol, but nothing works. I get shaky and dizzy, cold sweats followed by hot flashes (no, no…I’m too young for the M-word, thank you very much), seeing spots, et cetera.

 

^My poor swollen legs. My ankles are about their normal size in this picture, and normally my legs are pretty much a straight shot up, but for some reason I’m losing the battle against my socks….

Part of me wants to think that I’m just over-worked from my 60-70 hour work weeks, raising two teenagers, and trying to balance school and some glimmer of a social life, but a bigger part of me knows that I’m just trying to justify ignoring something going on in my health-background.

Today, I tried to start a sugar-detox diet. This is essentially a zero-carb diet for a few days, with meals eaten on a schedule and slow reintroduction of healthy (“safe”) carbs back into the diet. It is not unlike the actual post-op diet, except that this time around I absolutely cannot follow it. I made it until 10:30 a.m. before I had to give in and eat. I was seeing stars whenever I would bend over and stand back up. I also was in a fog so deep that twice that morning, people were talking to me and I literally was watching their lips move while thinking to myself, “is that English?”

#FAILURE (Yes, I just shamelessly hashtagged all over this post!)

^THAT is what I have to deal with EVERY. DANG. MORNING. at work! The cookies come in and we have to bag and tag them. I literally cannot go 4 waking hours without physically touching sugar. 😦

I know I have an issue with sugar. I always have. Even as a child, sugar was my drug of choice. I can remember hoarding Halloween candy in my closet, eating it in secret, hoping my mother wouldn’t figure out that I ate it all in 2 days. I would save the wrappers and throw one or two away daily in the bathroom trash, so she could “see” my discipline. I would spend nearly every week’s allowance on runs to the corner store to stock up on candy, hostess cakes and the occasional soda. Looking back, it’s clearly no wonder why I was a chubby child, a thick adolescent, a fat adult, and a disgustingly morbidly obese mother.

Maybe I should have listened to my surgeon when he suggested RNY. I would give literally anything to be under 200 lbs right now. I was convinced that having surgery would finally get me there. Honestly, my ultimate goal weight is 147, my “realistic” goal weight is 167, but my “gotdangit just let me get there” goal is 199. I have been chasing 199 since 7th grade. For those of you who are calculating, that’s a 20+ year marathon, and it appears I have hit the proverbial wall.

Please don’t let this be the end.

News, not so much…

November 10, 2014 – Monday

I gained 12 over last winter and have lost 8-9 of it. but I’m soooo stuck. I know a few little very minor habits have snuck back in, but short of going on proana sites for tricks, I’m stumped. Even the liquid diets, preop diet, super low calories, et cetera, don’t work anymore. I canceled my last appt but I’m thinking I need to reschedule. Last time I was there he wanted to look at re-sleeving or doing a VSG2RNY conversion. I initially said HECK NO! Emphatically. But I’m starting to consider it….

I’m mostly just trying to change my mindset. I would like to get away from obsessively logging food, especially when it’s literally NOT WORKING. I have been trying to take the bodybuilding route. Lift heavy, eat the right foods. Focus on losing fat (visually) and F the #’s. I’m so over this dieting BS, I cant even begin to tell you. I’m sick of being fat, of having the medical community calling me fat because my BMI is still 33, of feeling like a failure/loser because I had bariatric surgery and still am considered “obese” almost 2 years later, of being sick, dizzy, tired, and feeling ill…. I cannot say it enough… I truly wish I had NEVER HAD THIS SURGERY. Because now I can’t even eat HEALTHY foods like veggies and fruits. I’m over it. Changing the game.

I work out regularly. I definitely nibble on crackers/chips, but its usually to help my stomach digest the “healthy” foods. I’m not sure why but when the protein wont go down, 2-3 salty chips or crispy crackers seem to settle everything. Makes no sense, but it keeps me from vomiting every meal I try to eat, so I’m stuck in this cycle.

I also have issues with fluids. I can normally drink quite a bit, so long as it is not straight water. Cold water especially causes giant issues. I am regularly borderline dehydrated. And… I crave sugar when I’m dehydrated. I also crave it with PMS (which I NEVER had when I was morbidly obese!), and if I eat a little, like seriously…one choc covered raisin…I will crave straight sugar for days. It’s worse than nicotine.

At this point, I am frustrated. Actually, I’m not even sure if “frustrated” is a proper way to describe what I’m feeling. “DONE” might be better.

Whining vs. Winning

November 8, 2014 – Saturday

“Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.” (unknown)
Whining. Good Lord. I hear enough of it, and frankly I have been guilty enough times to be unable to count them. I am also – by the grace of nature and academia – an Existentialist Philosopher, which means that I believe we all are bound by our choices and their repercussions. I cannot simply hide behind my whining; I am compelled to figure out how to fix whatever is causing the whining!

To that end, I must say that this past 7 months has me beat down. I cannot even begin to understand why I just suddenly stopped losing, nor why my surgeon, his team, my NUTs and my PCP could figure out why. I have an eating disorder; I get that. What I just simply cannot accept is that:

Calories, intake < Calories, output ≠ Weight loss

ESPECIALLY when the intake of calories is an average of 1000/day, and the output is 2-3x that amount.

Metabolism?

Let’s talk about that… I am regularly asked if I have had my thyroid checked. Frankly, I have had my complete thyroid levels “checked” at least once a year (usually more than that), since my oldest child was about a year old and I still hadn’t lost the pregnancy weight. He is now almost 15. My levels are painfully consistent at a “high-normal” range, which means there is no allowable pharmaceutical fix. Officially, I do not have a thyroid “problem.”

It has also been suggested to me that my low caloric intake is to blame. Up until about 3 months ago, I was living off 600-900 calories daily. Over the summer, my life took a drastic Left turn. I became absolutely, thoroughly disgusted and exhausted with the existence that I was living & decided that on top of everything else that was completely out of my control, I could simply no longer just live in starvation mode. I tried listening to my body & began eating when I was hungry. I average about 1200 calories daily now. As a result, I get more calories, but they are not from surgeon-approved sources. However, I do feel somewhat better most days. My energy levels are slightly improved. I sleep a little deeper, although not as long. But my stomach always hurts. I usually just feel sick. Food doesn’t work anymore. If I go too long without eating – I usually have to ingest something (100-200 calories) every 2 hours – I will “tank out” & have hit the floor more than once. The first time it happened at work, I was so completely freaked out that I think I sort of vowed to never let it happen again & as a result, got into a bad habit of nibbling on carbs (crackers, bits of cookie, etc.) which I always log in my MFP journal, but still. It doesn’t really help either, by the way. “The Dizzy” is a daily visitor.  **Interesting note: my weight is completely stable. Adding calories/carbs did not cause gain.**

Hydration?

Admittedly, I struggle with fluids still. On a great day, I will ingest no less than 12 pints of clean fluids. On a good day, I will intake about 6 pints. On an average day, maybe 4. On a bad day, 2… Luckily, the bad days are very, very rare. However, even an average day for me is not enough for my body. I’ve always been a camel. If I go more than 2 days on an “average” intake level (the 4 pints), I will start to show signs of dehydration. I have had serious issues due to my low fluid levels, including vertigo, lethargy, dry skin, cracked lips, chronic constipation, body aches, cramps, mood swings, black outs, memory lapses… I’ve been through the wringer with testing to rule out cardiac & other issues, so I can assure you that it is most definitely nothing more than fluids.

Too Much Dietary Fat?

It’s no secret that I do not follow the NUT’s rules completely. I refuse to fill my body with a chemical shitstorm also-known-as “sugar-free”, “fat-free”, “low-carb” carbs, etc…. I have never made any qualms with my NUT about this, either. She is fully aware that I choose to eat REAL foods, & control my portions appropriately. I would literally rather have ONE SPOON-LICK of the best creamy white sauce on the planet, made with real ingredients, than a bowl full of chemically-altered alfredo “sauce” that is low-fat/fat-free, sugar-free, low carb…. EVEN if I meant sparing a handful of my precious daily calories. I just do not understand this thinking. HOW IN THE HELL CAN COOKIES BE SUGAR FREE ***AND*** NATURAL? I’m a baker by trade. I can assure you that they cannot. Yes, I can make you a tasty treat that will fit your diet. But it will be so full of odd ingredients that your average household pest (think ants, mice, etc) wouldn’t touch the crumbs. However, I’ve been reading more about heart disease reversing diets and there’s a train of thought that says dietary fat should be limited to around 10%. I personally have had good results with a diet that is higher protein, higher fat, but not necessarily low carb. Since pre-op & through my losing phase, I have consistently rocked out an average 45-50% carbs, 25% protein, 25% fat. I’m starting to wonder if dropping to 10% fat could shake it up enough to help me lose again.

This is not over. I’m just tenacious – and pissed off – enough to figure this thing out. Even if it kills me in the process. I ***WILL*** be a skinny, fabulous, fit, heart breaking bitch. I didn’t go through all this hell just to end up STILL FAT.

Sticks and Stones

December 20, 2013 – Friday

Scars.
Skin.
Bruising.
Scaly patches.
Raw spots.
Hair.
Aches.
Dark eyes.

This is just the short list of weird things I’ve noticed about my body as it changes.

In addition to my surgery scars, it seems any old scars have changed. They’re either more or less visible. One in particular gets swollen from time to time. So weird! New injuries seem to scar at a much higher rate than before. I’m a cook and small burns are just part of the deal. However, I rarely ever used to scar. This past semester I got 2 burns within a week of each other and they both scarred!

Bruising has become a normal accessory now. Pre-sleeve (pre-weight loss?) I never, NEVER bruised. I’m currently sporting a kiwi fruit sized one on my knee, a similar sized one on my back and a collection of small ones of various ages and sizes across my hips, upper thighs and waist. I have a constant pressure/ache on the bony prominences of my shoulder blades, sometimes with accompanying bruises. I blame lack of padding, coupled with newly released agility.

And seriously…can we address that hair?!
I have literally lost HALF the volume, and had to cut nearly 2 feet off the length over the summer due to knots, rats’ nests and painful pulling. Admittedly, the fallout has slowed, but it’s definitely still happening. And if I don’t sleep in a braid, I wake up with a Brillo pad for a head.

But truly, the most disturbing thing to stare at is my own face. I know it’s mine, yet it looks like a stranger. On top of that, I always look tired. My dark circles are constant and ever more apparent. I’m generally fairly well rested, even. I’m hoping to figure this problem out soon.

All that aside, I’m glad to be able to still laugh at the absurdity of my “space suit” while being very aware of the fact that I can abuse the crap out of this body and it still heals itself. Isn’t being human rad? :}

“6 Month” Surgeon Follow-Up

November 7, 2013 – Thursday

Today was my “6 Month” follow up with my surgeon. I’m actually 7-1/2 months, but I’m off the schedule for regular appointments for some reason. I won’t have my “9 month” appointment until February — 5 weeks before my One Year. C’est la vie… :}

Basically, there’s not much to report. He said my blood tests were all really good and that my hair loss is “right on time & expected”, and that by a year or so, it should stop. I’m down 20 pounds since my last visit (according to their records; my home records are slightly more) and he is pretty happy with my progress. He thinks my goal weight should be around 180, but I’m sticking with my 147-ish goal. Obviously, at some point, I’d LOVE to see 180 — preferably by my One Year.

85 Pounds Since Surgery

September 23, 2013 – Monday

This morning I hit 85 pounds lost since March! I think it’s safe to assume that my stall is over. I truly never thought I would see the other side of 230, and now I’m in the lower 220’s, wearing a size 16. I haven’t worn a 16 since probably 10th grade, maybe. This whole process is such a mind-game. I think I may be figuring it all out, though. It definitely seems to be related to overall calories, total carbs/sugars and staying hydrated.

Teenagers vs Nutritionist

September 18, 2013 – Wednesday

Today, my children had their first appointment with the nutritionist at the same healthy living center where I started my surgery journey. After their annual physicals, their practitioner recommended keeping an eye on their weights due to a noticeable jump from last year. Granted, in the last 6 months, Hunter has turned 15, gained some seriously broad shoulders and overall general musculature, and grew a couple of inches.

Theron has turned 13, and while he hasn’t quite yet hit the major wave of puberty, he also has filled out in the shoulders a little bit and gained some muscle tone, along with 3″ in height.

I also have noticed that their eating choices are terrible and they never want to have what I’m having, nor do they seem to care about what goes in their bodies. Now, I realize they are children, and I also realize that I have at least a partial blame here because I’m the one who was supposed to teach them to love the good stuff. I have always tried to focus on anything other than physical attributes; we never talked about weight, size, stature, etc., because I did not want them having the same head games that my sister and I were plagued with. However, it started to become alarming to me how little they actually cared/noticed. They saw me losing weight, but never thought twice about it. After the physicals, I started the referral process for them to see the nutritionist.

They met with the one that I personally didn’t care for. I figured it was better to get them in with anyone, rather than to wait for the one I normally see, just based on my own personal feelings. She actually was really good with them, and it was obvious that she has teenagers of her own. She gave them (us) some tips for navigating the school meals, along with a pretty basic peptalk about being growing young men and making sure to try to make better choices whenever possible. She really helped Hunter, as we had obviously been alarmed by his recent weight & size gain, by reassuring him (and me) that while he is numerically heavy, his body composition is also very stocky and muscular (the kid wears a 46 jacket). He plays football and wrestles, so I was afraid of limiting his calories too much, but afraid of overkill. She urged us to focus more on portions and timing of meals, instead of worrying about actual calories. He has been taking low-sugar, high-protein bars (Atkins, etc.) to school with him as a pre-practice snack, and I’ve been making sure to have dinner ready as close to the end of practice as possible. For Theron, she felt that he’s probably not getting enough filling foods at lunch, so he’s ravenous after school. And especially on days when he doesn’t have clubs, he can come straight home and just snack until dinner. To combat that, he actually requested a portion of plain rice to take to school and have with lunch, and hasn’t been snacking after school too much. Generally, he will have a piece of fruit or some applesauce and he’s good until dinner.

The biggest problem we have is getting them to try new foods. Hunter will basically try anything that doesn’t bite him first, but Theron is extremely timid and picky with food. They have agreed to try new foods on a regular basis, and Theron has started going on a post-dinner walk with me every night. I think we’re going to figure this thing out. 🙂