VSG Pregnancy – Postpartum, recap

June 19, 2019 – Wednesday

It’s been 2, 275 days since my surgery.

325 weeks, to the day.

6 years, 2-1/2 months.

My story is a mess. Here’s a quick rundown and reminder of this process. Trust me, I need to see this in black and white myself.

2012 – At 291 pounds, my primary care doctor sends a referral to the bariatric surgeon. I meet with the surgeon, jump through the hoops, attend all the meetings, and get denied by insurance twice before finally getting approved.

2013 – I have surgery on Wednesday, March 27th at a surgery weight of 308.
*I end 2013 at 211 pounds, for a 9-month loss of 97-lb.

2014 – By the end of February, I lost ONE SINGLE POUND more, and then fought against inexplicable regain.

*I end 2014 at 223 pounds, for a regain of 12lb and net surgery loss of 85lb.

2015 – I had braces placed on my teeth and by the beginning of March, I have jumped to 230lb. No one seems to think it’s possible that the braces have disrupted my eating.

*I end 2015 at 250 pounds, for a regain of 27-lb and net surgery loss of 58-lb.

2016 – I had facial reconstructive surgery in January, at a high weight of 262-lb. I was stress eating over the holidays, in anticipation of the surgery. Relationship issues, stress and face, mouth and jaw pain led me to starve myself down to 231-lb by August, but…

*I ended the year at 248 pounds for an annual overall loss of 2-lb, and net surgery loss of 60-lb.

2017 – I stabilized, hovering around 247-260 most of the year. My now-husband and I had reconciled and eventually moved back in together, relocating to a small, country lake community.

*I ended the year with a quick and huge jump to 274 pounds and a determination to end this ride once and for all.

2018 – I sustained a fall down a flight of stairs in late April that left me temporarily disabled, housebound and depressed. I basically leveled out around 274 until late May, when I abruptly and without warning gained 9-lb.

*On Father’s Day 2018, I found out I was pregnant. I was 283, and that is my current mini-goal weight.

My pregnancy was insane. We were planning a November 2019 wedding, but bumped it up to August 2018. If you’re tracking, that’s about 6 weeks to plan! I was misdiagnosed with peripartum cardiomyopathy around week 16, and was given the sobering choice of continuing with the pregnancy and risking my life and the well-being of the fetus (if it lived at all), or terminating with the hope that there was no permanent damage to my cardiovascular system. P.S. I’m also severely asthmatic, with a less than 50% lung capacity without drugs. Knowing that this was most likely the last chance we would have to have a child together, we waited to decide until after the anatomy scan in October.

Luckily, the symptoms associated with the heart condition were able to be controlled with different asthma medication, and it was determined that I didn’t have to worry about dying from that during this pregnancy. However, at week 21 I started showing signs of failure to thrive and pre-eclampsia. Long story, short – no one expected this baby to make it 30 weeks, much less 40 and by 36 weeks, I was hospitalized. She was born (perfectly healthy, by the way) at 37 weeks, at the end of January 2019.

2019 – At the birth of my daughter, I was 340-lb, 45-lb of water weight had slammed on since the holidays, and was completely gone within 10 days post partum. It was supremely hard to see those numbers again. My lifetime high weight was 347-lb in 2003. I made the mistake of thinking that because that initial water weight loss fell off, the last 5-lb would also just take a hike, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I think that catches us up.

So here I sit, 2, 275 days post-op, with a net surgery loss of 20 POUNDS.

I’m not going to sugar coat this: I’m scared.

I need to lose this weight. When you first have surgery, it’s so much fun to watch the weight just fall away. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s mental. And painful. And so very weird. But…amazing. You feel like you’re actually *doing* something *right* for a change. But – at least, for me – it’s all a lie we tell ourselves. WE are not doing anything. THE SURGERY is doing ALL OF IT. You’re just (hopefully) being reprogrammed to not eat garbage or stuff your face, and hopefully dealing with emotional traumas with a therapist or support group.

But one day, your surgery – your sleeve, your pouch, your band – will go down for a nap, and it will be up to you to sit at the controls.

I’m here, SIX YEARS LATER, head in my hands, completely flabbergasted about what direction to take. I’m FORTY with a newborn. I was fully expecting to have grandchildren in the next 5-10 years, not a new child of my own! If Granny takes a dirt nap at 60, it sucks but my boys will be near 40 by then. If Mama takes a dirt nap at 60, and you’re only 20… Who will guide my daughter through her early adulthood? Yes, she will be a young adult but as I recall, the twenties and most of the thirties – how do you say it? SUCK! I need to live to 80, at a bare minimum. And not an old, decrepit 80. A wild, long grey curls blowing in the wind from my convertible muscle car, 80.

And I’m not as healthy as I could be. I finally started rehabbing myself from the fall over a year ago. I saw a chiropractor throughout my pregnancy but I was not cleared to exercise due to the cardiovascular system issues I was dealing with. I’ve been going to the YMCA with my family, but it’s not enough.

I know I need to figure out my diet. You’d think it’d be an easy fix, but it’s tripping me up. By the next post, I’ll have this figured out. I’ve been loosely following keto for nearly 3 years. I started intermittent fasting after the baby was born to try and stop some of the zombie-eating at 2 a.m. and it does help…when I remember that I’m “fasting”.

Until next time… ❤️ K

VSG Pregnancy – Postpartum, week 19

June 18, 2019 – Tuesday

I cannot even believe how fast this year is passing. Nothing is as good a reminder of your mortality as watching a child grow up in front of your eyes. I have no intentions of making this a “baby blog” or a “family blog” but it always has been, and always will be, a lifestyle blog in a very specific niche. More to come on that in a few…

Shameless display of my last 3 months’ accomplishments, on a single line. :]

I have been somewhat watching my diet, but mostly just trying to get back to a place of feeling normal again. My weight is pretty much plateaued where it was when she was 5 weeks old and I was still hoping for the “last 5 pounds” of baby weight to be gone by my post-partum check up at the Ob-gyn. I get close, but then I rebound.

I think in the beginning of my journey I had mentioned – if not here, definitely on other online support groups – that a major reason for wanting to commit to surgery was for Sam & I to have children together. My first two pregnancies nearly killed me, and I was at fairly stable weights at the beginning of each of those. However, life did what it did and we had a less-than-linear journey in our relationship. So, now we’re both in our 40s with an infant, a teenager, and a nearly-21 year old (who moved out recently).

I blame a large percentage of my inability to rebound on the weight front on breastfeeding. Seriously. If you haven’t nursed a child, I’m not sure I can adequately convey the experience and the toll it takes on your body and psyche. Mostly, I am FAMISHED all the time. Or rather, my body thinks it is.

Mostly though, I know it’s me. I’m the issue standing in my own way. I have let stress get the better of me – even the good stress – and it has stalled my progress back DOWN to where I need to be to START OVER. My motivation has been missing. I have been too busy being blissed out on the hormone soup and making memories and staying sane parts that I just lost my ability to care about anything that has the potential to upset my apple cart.

19 weeks!

 

I cannot properly express how exhausting this has been. I blame some of it on age. I was 19 and 20 when my sons were born. I was tired back then, but mostly stressed because we were young and broke. Having a baby at 39 is not for wimps. Chasing a baby at 40 in a body that aches and is too fat for its own good is harder still. I know I need to get back down to a normal weight but I am feeling overwhelmed by the process.

My family and I are working on a plan to get back to a place where we all are healthy again. My next post will focus on that!

Thanks for sticking around! ❤ K

VSG Pregnancy – postpartum

March 10, 2019 – Sunday

Daylight Savings Time Change

Baby, week 5!

She’s here!

Suzanna Verleen joined the team: 1/31/19 @11:16 a.m. packing 7#8oz & 19″ of pure determination. It was the coldest day of the harshest cold snap this winter, but the sun was shining so brightly that we had to shade the windows. She was a little early, but only had minor road blocks. She spent an extra day in the hospital due to her bilirubin levels being out of control. We had to give her formula in a bottle due to the complications of jaundice, and that has led to an interruption in her breastfeeding process that we are still fighting.

We had a list of literally 300 names. We eventually narrowed it down to 50, then 20, then 3: Juniper, Lumi or Magenta. Juniper was the leader, bc I knew I’d call her Junie, which reminded me of Jeanne (my mother). But about 6.5 months in, I suddenly felt like that none of those were her names & had a meltdown. Sam thought the ordeal was over, so he said ‘what do YOU want her name to be?’

I was distraught! I said that I didnt have a clue, bc I felt like she’d “tell” me in a dream or stroke of inspiration or something. I knew I wanted it to be not-unisex, formal & long but able to be shortened &/or nicknamable, and start with an S. So after a few quiet minutes, Sam blurted out “what about Suzanna, with a Z?” And I didn’t hate it, double checked the list to make sure we hadn’t already said no to it, and let it swirl for a month or so.

I reeeeeeeally wanted to use “Zelda” bc I have a thing for Zs & I like the name. Verleen is Sam’s mom’s nickname, sorta. She always said she didn’t like her real name & liked that one instead. We tossed around Alleyne (my great-grandmother) & Jeanne a lot & how to incorporate those, so the -een sound at the end kinda ties it all in. I still think Zelda would’ve been appropriate, especially now that I really know this kid. 😉

Postpartum Healing

I gained 57 pounds, most of it during the last two months – thank you, preeclampsia! It got really ugly in the end. Honestly, the whole pregnancy was rough – hence the complete lack of blogging when I had intended to do full weekly updates and vlogs! But in the end, I was hospitalized and induced at 37 weeks. I am still fighting with my blood pressure, but hopeful that it will become normalized as my body heals and allow me to get off the meds that (sort of) help stabilize it.

As of today, I have lost 48 of those baby pounds. I’m trying to get back to keto but it’s hard to do anything other than care for a newborn when that’s your reality. There’s a basic schedule at the house here, but it’s really dependent on my husband’s work schedule. She usually eats on a 2-3 hour cycle, and sleeps 5-7 hours overnight. The problem is that every day is a crapshoot in regards to her attitude. Some days are easy and I can feel like a human. A lot of days are fussy, baby vomit soaked hair and 3-day old sweats, unsure of what time it is until “Daddy” walks through the door to save me.

The weather here is brutal, still. I’ve been hoping for a nice day to go take a walk with the baby in the carrier, but if it’s sunny, it’s frigid. And if it’s warmer, it’s raining or snowing. I try not to play the victim but it’s starting to feel like a personal attack. Come on, Mother Nature! Dang! Basically, sleep deprivation and social isolation is the new black…as in, racoon eyes and angst. 😉

Goals & The Plan

My initial goal was to lose the baby weight (57lb) by the 6 week check up. I am 9 lbs away, and I don’t think I’ll see that number by Thursday. In order to be kind to myself, I’m giving myself until her 2 month ‘day to see it. I *think* I can make it by then. (3 weeks out!)

Secondary goal is to lose the VSG regain and get back down to 207 by her 1st birthday.

My plan is to get back on Keto and implement the VSG “rules” which have been pretty much lost to me over the last few years. I need to start showing some restraint and self-respect again.

Additionally, I need to rehab my body from the accident last April. I never planned to have another child, and certainly not while seriously injured. I am definitely aware of how lucky I am to have emerged from this pregnancy in as good of shape as I am in, considering that I could barely walk at the beginning of it. However, I was never able to truly “rehab” my injuries and now I am the weakest (physically) that I have ever been. I’m starting slow, but I’m getting it done. I have to; I will be retiring at the same time that I’ll be sending a human off to college.

I’m hoping to do a weekly update, but it could be more or less often. Our schedule is just too unpredictable still to promise more than, ‘I’ll be back!’

 

VSG Pregnancy, Week 32

December 20, 2018 – Thursday

32+0

This has been the strangest thing I have ever lived through, and keep in mind that I have already had two pregnancies resulting in healthy babies – in addition to all the other strange and exciting detours I have followed in my life. I decided that it was too overwhelming to live my normal life *and* document, edit, share & defend this journey online, so I never did get around to doing videos. I only semi-regret that, but I did take belly pictures instead. I had intentions to blog more regularly, and I had started writing a new novel in June, but the carpal tunnel flared up in August and has gotten progressively worse since then. I’m essentially useless for any of my regular creative endeavors. I’m most saddened by the loss of writing time. I was really banking on being able to get the rough draft done before Baby arrived, but it is not to be. Alas!

A recap, perhaps? Not today, though. I’m already exhausted. Ugh.

 

An Update!

October 14, 2018 – Sunday

I had no intentions of taking this long of a break. Without any prior planning, I managed to post my last blog exactly four months ago, today. Life has gotten away from me a little bit, and there are quite a few things to talk about!

I guess it’s easiest to report in a chronological order, and that makes the first update the biggest, actually.

Two days after my last post, I found out I was pregnant! I wanted to immediately come and blog about it, but we really didn’t want to tell anyone that early. I waited until 16 weeks to drop the social media bomb, as it was. I struggled deeply in the beginning with what this would mean for our family, and I truly couldn’t have come here and talked about it. Although, looking back, I probably would have been better off if I had done exactly that!

I’ve been working out how to handle documenting this pregnancy. I have not made any videos lately, but did consider posting pregnancy updates with the VSG channel. Honestly, I had the surgery to get healthy enough to have another child. I just never thought it was going to happen. Sam and I had been on a strange acid trip of a romance for nearly a decade and this was seriously the last thing I considered. I also have noticed that there is an abundance of adorable, young, healthy, normal sized moms on YouTube who are  documenting their pregnancies and family lives. I was newly 39 years old when I found out, raising 18 & 20-year old sons, dealing with a debilitating work injury, and trying desperately to re-lose 65 pounds of weight loss surgery re-gain, when I finally got pregnant! Not very traditional….

Still contemplating that road. The beginning was so wretched that there was no way I could’ve been on camera anyway. I had hyperemesis gravidarum and had to be medicated for it. I barely could sleep, couldn’t walk due to the injury, and found myself thrown mercilessly into the planning of a suddenly expedited wedding.

We had been planning on getting married October 13, 2018 (yesterday!) but hadn’t really started planning heavily, or completely committed to the shindig. Knowing that things were about to get frenetically real, we decided that we just didn’t want to plan a wedding but we did want to be married. We sat down with a calendar and picked a date that coincided with his pass days at work. With just about six weeks to plan and organize, we got married on August 8, 2018 – a Wednesday.

It’s been wild. I didn’t really believe I’d ever be anyone’s “other half” again, in a legal way. I struggled in the beginning with what it meant to my own identity, and what I could possibly bring to this agreement that I already wasn’t offering. I couldn’t even imagine the reality of having a new baby in less than a year. And now, a mere two months later, I find that everything changes in the most subtle and amazing ways.

Sam started working for the State in May, and this was simultaneously a godsend and a curse. His placement was wretched for him, and heartbreaking for me to witness. The entire facility is toxic, from the salted ground water, up. The reason we got married on a Wednesday, without an extra day off or even a honeymoon, was due to the selective amnesia of his then-boss regarding him telling HR at his hiring, that he was getting married in October and would need approximately a week off, maybe less – if it coincided with his pass days. They absolutely agreed and congratulated him. Once the baby became a factor, he tried confirming this fact and was outright denied the time off, stating lack of evidence of this agreement. Apparently email chains are not evidence of conversations, when dealing with despotic bosses with inferiority complexes. He didn’t want to rock the boat, so we just did it when we did. Fine. As the date moved closer, his boss felt bad and did let him switch pass days with a coworker so he could have the day after the wedding off.

And then… The deluge of trials…

Six days after our wedding, our neighborhood experienced one of the most catastrophic flash floods it had seen in over 20 years. The flow turned our house into a literal island. We lost two cars, a kayak, and everything out of our yard. The beach eroded into the lake and it is still fenced off to this day.

Governor Cuomo came to the area to survey the damage, but didn’t make it to our point because the roads were literally cut off. There was one other local area that got similar flooding, over near Seneca Lake. The flood patterns were mirrored. Very creepy.

I found out after the fact, that we live in a river basin. This was complete news to us. The “creek” that runs about 100 yards south of our back yard, is actually a dry river. Dry, I assume, because it trickles like a stream or creek, not anything close to a river. However, historically, there is a flood here every 25 years or so. I’m glad to say, we will not be here for the next.

We are still recovering, financially, from the flood. We had been nearly ready to buy a house before the flood. Several different options were firmly open and being considered, but now we have two new car loans on there and noticeably drained savings, so we have to rebuild again before we can actually make that happen.

However, there is one good thing about being forced to wait on the house. Sam actually was approved for a transfer to a prison closer to home, and has been there about three weeks. His work life is so much more fluid and he actually seems like a different person. Well, not different so much as back to normal, pre-Fall 2017-Sam. It’s an amazing transformation. It also means that we now know exactly where we want to buy. Before the transfer, we were sort of looking all over the place but this means we will stay in our county, at least. I’m completely OK with that!

The only other ghosts in the closet are health-related, but I’ll leave those to another post.

I hope you are having a fantastic day, wherever you find yourself today! 🙂

 

The Cycle

14 June 18 – Thursday

Few things in life are as predictable as addicts.

The cycle looks something like this:

1. Do the Thing
2. Enjoy the Thing
3. Regret the Thing
4. Swear off the Thing
5. Plan to avoid the Thing
6. Obsess over the Thing

It doesn’t really matter what “the Thing” is, but more so that it does exist. We all have one. For some people, it takes the form of substances such as alcohol, drugs (illicit or prescription), tobacco, stimulants such as cocaine or meth, or other mind-altering natural or man-made concoctions. In my little corner of the world, opiates are a HUGE issue. Luckily, this is not my “thing” and never has been. Although, I have dabbled in a few chemicals over the years, it’s been nearly two decades since my “experimental” phase, and the only thing that stuck was tobacco. I quit on November 26, 2017, for hopefully the last time.

Occasionally, we know someone who has an impulse “thing” to the tune of stealing, fighting, outbursts of aggression, setting fires, or gambling. I personally don’t yet understand how these things are addictions, but I am definitely not a therapist, so I don’t really have a right to qualify anything as being, or not being, a true addiction. I feel like people with anger issues are usually battling different issues. Having witnessed true, gut-wrenching, family-destroying addiction, I can’t personally feel comfortable calling these behaviors addiction, but more so feel inclined to label them as emotionally triggered behaviors. However, I can only comment fairly based on my own experiences with other people’s rage personalities and my own issues with fear/anger/abandonment issues. Luckily, therapy is usually able to sort out the triggers fairly quickly, if you have a competent and empathetic ear on the other side of the table.

Sometimes, it is a behavior that turns addictive, such as relationship drama, sexual fantasy/pornography, technology usage, exercise beyond normal human body maintenance, shopping, spiritual grandiosity, or my favorite personal daemon – food & related rituals.

Addicts are full of plans and excuses. Choices turn into behaviors, which turn into a lifestyle.

This spring has been awakening for me. I have been coming to grips with my shortcomings, while trying to accept and nurture my gifts. One of those daemon/gifts is my addictive personality and the behaviors that accompany it. One of my biggest shortcomings is the ability to create HUGE plans, and then not only share those plans without abandon, but fail to comply without shame. This inevitably leads to realizing I should feel guilty about not accomplishing what I claimed I would, and eventual shame in the form of disappearing. My therapist calls it ADHD that perpetuates anxiety.

I feel badly for all the times I said I was “getting back on the wagon” and didn’t even make it a day. I won’t again promise to be here any more regularly than I have been.

But…

I can tell you that there are some things in the pipe. I am currently recovering and rehabbing from a fall in the stairs at work at the end of the semester. I’ve been out of work, unable to work out, and depressed – aka diet has been G-O-N-E. I’m working very hard to get myself back up to a point where I can consistently walk over 6k steps per day, and complete my physical therapy daily. Also, I am supposed to meet with my bariatric surgeon in July to talk about a VSG to RNY revision. I know my fiancé won’t really be happy about that. He gets so nervous anytime anything medical comes up with me. The last time I had surgery, he developed ulcers. I wish I was joking about that. #notJK Needless to say perhaps, but he currently doesn’t know about that meeting yet.

Additionally, I am working on my first novel. I have written dozens of non-fiction works, several courses worth of analytical essays on various subjects, volumes of philosophical dialectic research essays, papers and articles, and two collections of poetry, but I have not written any fiction since elementary school. This is proving to be completely out of my comfort zone, which is why I must complete it.

I will be around. That’s the only promise I will make. If you’d like to follow my other projects, look me up on instagram, twitter or facebook. I’m also on goodreads, nanowrimo and camp nanowrimo.

And again…

May 27, 2018 – Sunday

I’m a hot mess when it comes to weight loss. I’m feeling really down on myself and I’m thoroughly disappointed with my surgical results and my lack of ability to comply &/or lose weight. I really don’t want to let myself believe that a bypass conversion is a real option, but I’m so fed up. I feel like I might not have regained all this weight if I had done the RNY in the beginning.

Guys, there is so much going on right now. My life is shifting so quickly, and not in any productive (or negative) ways. It’s just the type of change that exists to annoy you without reason. Mosquito change.

RAWRRRRRR!! ENOUGH!!! Fine. I give up. I surrender to the gods of diet & keto, to take this wretched sugar addiction and fat body away! I’m not promising more activity, but I *am* planning to blog/vlog at least 2x/week and be transparent with y’all — and MYSELF.

*I refuse to be a fat bride.

*I refuse to become a recluse because of bad joints.

*I refuse to let my crumbling vertebrae win!

*I AM HERE*

Now…where’s my coffee? :]

Week 5

April 18, 2018 – Wednesday

If you remember my last post, you saw me say that I wanted to try to experiment with the weeklies, etc. After a disappointing Saturday (unofficial) scale check in where I found myself 3+ pounds up from Wednesday, I sulked and gave in. And… I’m happy to report that I did indeed do that experiment, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment. However, it was a disappointing result.

While I am very happy (ecstatic?!) that I did not gain an official 3.5 lbs, I was at +1.2 lbs this week. I’m not convinced that it’s a fault of the program, or even the experiment. I think it has to do with PMS bloat, exhaustion, stress and lack of clean fluids. Add in the inordinate amounts of chocolate that I consumed (within points!) and I think it was just a recipe for disaster.

I also think that weighing-in on Saturday threw me off. I was exceedingly bummed to see a 3-lb gain, even though I *knew* it was hormonal bloat. The mind is such a bastard opponent.

Today ended up not being a normal weigh-in day food-wise. Usually I allow myself a bit of leniency on WI day but I was feeling pretty annoyed at myself all day. I honestly wish I didn’t have to weigh in at 5:00 a.m. because even though we say we’ll ignore it, it still has too much power over me. I ate about 2 SP over my limit, which is still within Blue Dot range, so I guess I might as well try to get back on that track.

Lesson, learned.

I’m sure next week will be just fine.

Freaky Friday

April 13, 2018 – Friday

It wouldn’t be Friday the 13th without a glitch in the matrix, would it?!

But 1st, Weigh-in! (Yes, I realize it’s Friday, not Wednesday, but…school fog got me)

I. LOST. A. FULL. POUND!

Total Weight loss on WW: 6.4 lb

Stats: 275/268.6/210

I tried to get all blue dots, and so far this month, I’ve done just that. I’m wondering if the low loss of only a pound is due to that. However, I’m not convinced any of this weight loss is real anyway. I can (and have, consistently) lose and gain up to 10 pounds in a week. I lost the most weight in week 1 and I ate all my dailies, weeklies and some of my fit points. Maybe I’ll experiment this week and see what happens.

Now – as promised – my Friday the 13th insanity:

It was actually a decent day without any glitches. On a normal day, about three dozen minor potentially disrupting irritations happen during the course of a work day. This happens in a dynamic environment. You learn how to sway and duck. I was clipping things off my to-do list at breakneck speed (thank you concerta!) and with stunning efficiency, when I decided to go to lunch at a unit around the corner so that I could meet my boss and chat a few minutes about some issues.

As I reached into my bag to grab my locker keys, I realized a gut-wrenching fact. I had taken my locker key off it’s lanyard and placed it on my car keys, so that in case I was without my work keys (a copy set) I would still be able to get to my uniforms. Sounds reasonable, right? Yeah. Great plan!

Except… I always put my car keys in my coat pocket. My coat was in my locker.

So, I walk over to the unit where my boss is waiting, just to have to tell her I now need my lock cut off my locker – instead of the awesome updates I had planned to share. Laughs were had. Maintenance was called. I went back across the street to finish my lunch break at my desk.

I started getting a little panicky by 1:00. It’s a Friday, after all, and I *really* don’t want to end up stuck at work without a ride, unable to get my normal clothes from my locker, and even without a jacket to wear in the blustering cold, just because the maintenance guys (probably) leave early on Fridays. To combat the nerves, I started cleaning out my bag of all the errant receipts, papers and random bits, when suddenly I brush my fingers across…

…yep.

My keys.

I quickly emailed the maintenance manager and tell him how exceedingly embarrassed I am, but that I actually found my keys and they don’t need to send anyone over. Just as I hit send, one of my student employees says, “Uhm…someone is here… for YOU! (giggle)”

I turn to see what can only be described as every romance novel antagonist, rolled into one very real human male, rugged good looks and gigantic iron tool draped over a shoulder, included! I turned so obviously red with embarrassment that I could feel the heat searing off my own face. The absurdity of the entire scene had me internally screaming in tear-streamed hysterics, while externally trying not to stutter, lest this country boy think he got my goose somehow. We all exchanged pleasantries, and he made sure to give me his (work) number for “the next time you burst a pipe or lose some keys.”

Lord help me. This is my life.

;]

April, Indeed!

April 8, 2018 – Sunday

I am writing this to you in complete shock that we are into the second week of April already!

Also, I did a video last weekend. Apparently, I forgot to post it here. Please accept my apologies for that. I’ll post it below.

So far on Weight Watchers, I have lost 5.2 pounds. It was a little weird to transition from a keto diet to going back to having skim milk (or even soy!) in my coffee, I can’t lie. But, I am getting used to it, and I do think that *maybe* my gut looks a little deflated, for lack of a better visual. :}

My son had started the week after I did, and while I don’t actually think he’s following it anymore, I do feel like it has made him more aware of making conscious food decisions. Realistically, he’s a fairly sheltered barely 18-year old with spectrum disorder and ADD. The fact that I can get him to switch to diet soda is a major victory, so I’ll count him asking for chicken breast & asparagus for dinner as a solid win.

In my own life, things are doing what they normally do with nothing major to report….

Oh! Except that I finally was given a doctor who is willing to treat my ADHD with meds and alternative therapies, in addition to actually wanting to work with my therapist. So, basically, this week I have been ridiculously aware of all the things I have been stuffing under the rug.

I started planning a new book, and while I haven’t spent much time in the last three or four days actually *writing* said book, I do have a complete map of how it will deliver itself to any willing readers. It is a memoir about family, grief and finding grace.

The bigger issue that I’ve been tackling is what to do about school. I spent six full weeks in full-on fainting goat mode due to my anxiety over school.

My therapist and my PCP both said this is particularly common in adult ADHD, and that I will most likely have to re-train myself to stop procrastinating now that I have meds to help me if I need them. I’m on day seven of week twelve (of fifteen), and I have done about 10% of the the expected classes this term, thanks to my mental issues. I think I may be able to finish out and at least get Ds (passing), which will preserve my financial aid – and in turn, allow me to finish my degree. However, it will take not only an exceeding amount of energy on my part, but the understanding of my instructors to allow the late work. I am writing this blog instead of emails to them – and this fully demonstrates the crux of my issues.

Ugh. Speaking of… I’d better get back to those two papers that are due today. Maybe they’ll go easy on me if I actually turn something in on time this semester.

Until the next!